M'ap Vini

I don't really know where to begin.... My heart is all over the place.

I have been intentionally vauge on the blog recently. Maybe you haven't noticed, but I have. I have 3 blogs written in my head that I just haven't had the clarity of mind to sit and write. I have avoided posting, even avoided reading other peoples blogs, because when I write, everything tends to spill out reguardless of whether or not I wanted to give all the details. I have told a few friends that I feel like I'm teetering on the see-saw of insanity: One second I'm fine, peaceful, trusting God. The next I am the opposite of all those things. Its been fun, let me tell you!

Ok. so here goes....


I'm coming home on Thursday.
As in, day-after-tomorrow. Its still not super real to me. wow.


Before you worry...there is nothing desperately wrong. It is just time. Due to recent circumstances and thoughts of my heart, (which I have not shared because I've been blog-avoiding) I need to go home.

My family is so important to me. My family members are 5 of God's biggest blessings to me. I am who I am because of them. I talked to my brother today. He has decided to spend his life serving our country. I saw him in December before I left. He has been "stationed" in Tomball since March and I'm missing it. He will leave 16 days before was planning on getting home. Basically, we didn't know this until today, but if I don't see him now, I don't know when I will. In the next few years, maybe. This is important to me.

Also, since Wednesday I've been thinking about the future. All those doors that opened when nursing school closed, while they are awesome and I'm excited about them, will lead me far away again. It was beginning to look like I would be home for a week, at camp for 5 weeks, and then very very far away again until mid-August. Some people can be away from thier families for 8 months and not even think twice about it. I can't. I could physically survive. But it wouldn't be fun. I don't do well if I'm not being hugged by loved ones. (Have I mentioned that before?)

Another door that's opened since this round of nursing school comes in the form of a monstrosity of an application for a different program. This has a very small window of time that it will be open, and requires a lot of time and effort. I will be working on this when I get home and have a more reliable internet connection.

Mainly, I'm coming home to be with my family. They need me right now, and I need them. I think God called me to love the people of Ti Guinea in Haiti. But He did not call me to abandon my love for my family. Originally the plan was for me to come home in April, but as I got more confident that I would be in College Station at nursing school I extended my trip, assuming that I would see them because I would be close.

This was not an easy decision. I first thought, "What will everyone think of me?" I let the fear of men overcome my heart. Will people think I've quit? Will they think I just got too lonely? Will they think I'm not strong enough to do this? Will they want to support me in the future? Will they think I'm flakey? Will they understand the reasons I'm coming home? I hope you do understand. If not, please ask me!

Also, I'm not quitting. In fact, I'm coming back. I'm coming back on May 12. I'm going to spend 3 weeks at home soaking up and loving on my family. Then I will return on the 12 to set up and help run the camp that I've been helping plan. Also, after 3 weeks of English, I'll need to brush up on my Kreyol before I am translating! I'll be returning again on the flight I had already had tickets for on May 23. Also, many of the doors that opened will hopefully lead me back to Haiti and this place sooner than later.

I've talked about how bittersweet it is going to be to leave. Oh my! I had no idea! I was a total mess when I told my friends here that I was leaving. I was able to tell Boss Varis and only had misty eyes. I explained everything about Coleman, and how if I don't go home now, I may not see him for a long time. And I told him I was coming back. Everyone is fully supportive, both of me going to spend time with my brother, and of me coming back. After that, I told Tala and Tchaly. I got through, "I'm leaving Thursday" and then started sobbing. Boss Varis had to finish for me. I finally pulled it together. And then Guerline walked around the corner. Seeing my red eyes she asked, "Sa ou gen?" "what's going on"  I got no words out. Just sobbing. Boss Varis told her. All I could say over and over through my tears was, "M'ap vini anko! M'ap vini anko!" (I'm coming back! I'm coming back!) 

I don't know if crying is culturally weird here, or if I'm just super pathetic when I cry. Probably both. They just kept saying, "Don't cry, please don't cry. Stop crying. You are going to make us cry. Please don't cry. You are coming back! We aren't mad!" I just wow.... it was so hard telling them I was leaving. I'm going to miss them SO much. Even now I'm biting back tears thinking about missing them. I told them its so hard to love two places. I told them that I'm going to leave half of my heart here, and take half with me to give to my family. Guerline told me, "You need a bunch of hearts if you are going to keep them with everyone you love.".  Mission accomplished. My greatest goal of being here was to love somone. Even if it was just one person. Her saying that made me realize that she knew I love her. I just hugged her and cried.

Thinking about leaving in less than 36 hours... instead of 36 days. Is a strange feeling. .

I'm excited to see my family. I need to spend time with them before Coleman leaves. I will be be coming back. I could never leave like this if I didn't know when I was coming back, and know that it was going to be soon!

I think the hardest thing I will ever have to deal with in my life is also my greatest blessing. Loving two countries. Two peoples. God has loved me so much. His love through me makes this possible.

... to be vulnerable

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable... The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is hell." - C.S. Lewis



I was talking to my mom the other night about... well, about everything, and I mentioned Jenny. (My baby from the previous post.) I love her so much. I feel like a mom when I hold her. And then I started thinking about being a mom. How am I ever going to survive being a mom? If I love babies that aren't mine so much that sometimes I get choked up about it, I can only imagine how much I will love my own children. My mom has told me that I have, "great capacity to love." I think that is true... but it makes me so vulnerable.

But is that a bad thing? I've had my heart wrung so hard I thought it might break. I've had my heart broken. (I'm not talking about being IN love, mind you, just loving.) I've had my heart wrung by friends, best friends, aquaintences, family members, strangers, Haiti, the U.S., the list goes on.

But I don't regret any of it. My heart was severely wrung and broken this time last year. Haiti. The earthquake. My patients at the clinic. They all broke my heart. The country that I loved, and strangers that forever changed my life. Some of those strangers died in my arms. Some came terribly close to dying in my arms. Some, I have no idea where they are today, or if they made it past January 14th, 2010. And then the U.S. broke my heart. I had to come home. It was so hard. So, so hard.

But isn't there also a saying about fine china being stronger with the mending? Or is it working jeans? I don't remember. Either way. Never in a million years would I take back the lessons I learned from getting my heart wrung.

When my heart is wrung out. Or when my heart is broken it seems that is when I experience the love and faithfulness of my Heavenly Father the most. He holds me in His great Men Dous and keeps me close to his heart. He reminds me of His faithfulness. He reminds me of his love.

And when He has glued the pieces of my heart back together, He fills my heart to overflowing with more of His love. So that I can walk forward and love more.

Yes. To love is to be vulnerable. To love anything is to be vulnerable. But why not be vulnerable? C.S. Lewis knew the importance of vulnerability. If your heart is not vulnerable it is unbreakable, unpenatratable, unloving, dark, musty, sad.

If your heart loves it is vulnerable. True. But if your heart loves it also lives! It gives life to others. It is soft. It is warm. Life may break you. But if you don't live life the Men Dous of our Savior can't put us back together.

Think about God's heart. Oh how He loves us! Think about his love. Really think about it.... (tell me when you are ready to continue... I'll wait.)

Ok. Did you think about it?.... Ready to move on?

His heart must have broken. I know it did. He loved so much that he gave up His only son! That must have been painful, the most painful pain in this world. His heart was wrung very very hard. But in the process He gave life to all who will accept it.

I am so very thankful for a God who loves. Who gives me the capacity to love. And who holds me when I'm broken.

Love others. Be vulnerable.

Before

I loved Haiti before the earthquake
I have a strong passion for those people
I love them
I want to be with them
What is God going to do with that?
Am I going to be there forever?
I don't know.
Would I like to be?
I don't know. "Yes?" "Maybe?"

I know that its going to work out.

Cynthia

I met her the Thursday after the earthquake. I think she was around 6 years old.
Her leg was badly hurt in the earthquake.
Her entire family (Father, Brothers, Sisters, Aunts, and Grandma) about 12 total were in a tap-tap accident on the way to the clinic. The driver and one passenger were killed.
Trauma after trauma after trauma.
When the 12 of them arrived, most of them were in hysterics.
Not Cynthia. She was so strong. Her leg was wrapped up in what looked like old ripped up jeans. I started to unwrap it while the other nurses took care of the other family members. She winced and looked up at me with her big dark eyes. Instant friends.
Something about us connected.
In my limited Kreyol I told her I was here to help. I knew it hurt. I was sorry to hurt her, but I was helping.
Trust.
As she clung to the dolly we gave her with one hand and held my ankle with the other I unwrapped her leg. She would squeeze when it hurt too much and I would stop and try to be more careful, or talk to her and take my mind off of it. She would only let the others look at it if I were around or if I told her it was ok. She said she wanted 'her nurse.'

As I unwrapped her leg I found hangers, I assumed for splinting. Strange herbal looking plants I assumed were for padding, maybe pain or inflammation? ..... and Money. Immediately I knew where they had been before coming to our clinic. It wasn't a regular doctor.
I called the other nurses to come look at it and they confirmed.

We got Cynthia re-wrapped and splinted straight. She told me the most pain was not in her leg, but in her abdominal area. My heart sank. I had to look away from her eyes. Internal injuries. Less than 24 hours before I had held a woman as she died because we could not help her recover from her internal injuries. I wanted to sit and weep for my new friend Cynthia.

Later she had to leave.


I wish I could know what happened to her. I want to love children like her. We had a connection without real communication.

Why is that in my heart? Is it so that others may know and pray for Haiti? Am I a single girl now so I can pursue loving children in Haiti at this stage in my life?

Am I forcing this? Should I wait to be the EXACT person they are looking for? Or should I GO, and then love and show love for whomever I'm with?

I think all these thoughts are so difficult because I know its going to be heartbreaking. Its going to be one of the hardest things I've done in my life up to this point.

And I'm going to be alone.
But God will be with me.
I want it to work out.
I want it to be great.
I want to love children.

I want to love Christ.

Peacefully I know it will work out. I just wish I knew. But God's plans are better than my own.

I loved Haiti before. So did God.
This didn't catch him by surprise. Before the beginning of the world He knew the names of all those who died. He knew that it would happen at exactly 4:53pm on January 12th, 2010.
He knew the number of hairs on the heads of the survivors that would turn gray.
(So far my "new grays since January" count is up to 6.)
He knew every tear that would be cried. Not just by me, but by the millions of people who would cry for Haiti.

He loved them first. It was in His plan. Maybe to turn that nation that forsook him to trust in Him. His love is extravagant!