... to be vulnerable

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable... The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is hell." - C.S. Lewis

I was talking to my mom the other night about... well, about everything, and I mentioned Jenny. (My baby from the previous post.) I love her so much. I feel like a mom when I hold her. And then I started thinking about being a mom. How am I ever going to survive being a mom? If I love babies that aren't mine so much that sometimes I get choked up about it, I can only imagine how much I will love my own children. My mom has told me that I have, "great capacity to love." I think that is true... but it makes me so vulnerable.

But is that a bad thing? I've had my heart wrung so hard I thought it might break. I've had my heart broken. (I'm not talking about being IN love, mind you, just loving.) I've had my heart wrung by friends, best friends, aquaintences, family members, strangers, Haiti, the U.S., the list goes on.

But I don't regret any of it. My heart was severely wrung and broken this time last year. Haiti. The earthquake. My patients at the clinic. They all broke my heart. The country that I loved, and strangers that forever changed my life. Some of those strangers died in my arms. Some came terribly close to dying in my arms. Some, I have no idea where they are today, or if they made it past January 14th, 2010. And then the U.S. broke my heart. I had to come home. It was so hard. So, so hard.

But isn't there also a saying about fine china being stronger with the mending? Or is it working jeans? I don't remember. Either way. Never in a million years would I take back the lessons I learned from getting my heart wrung.

When my heart is wrung out. Or when my heart is broken it seems that is when I experience the love and faithfulness of my Heavenly Father the most. He holds me in His great Men Dous and keeps me close to his heart. He reminds me of His faithfulness. He reminds me of his love.

And when He has glued the pieces of my heart back together, He fills my heart to overflowing with more of His love. So that I can walk forward and love more.

Yes. To love is to be vulnerable. To love anything is to be vulnerable. But why not be vulnerable? C.S. Lewis knew the importance of vulnerability. If your heart is not vulnerable it is unbreakable, unpenatratable, unloving, dark, musty, sad.

If your heart loves it is vulnerable. True. But if your heart loves it also lives! It gives life to others. It is soft. It is warm. Life may break you. But if you don't live life the Men Dous of our Savior can't put us back together.

Think about God's heart. Oh how He loves us! Think about his love. Really think about it.... (tell me when you are ready to continue... I'll wait.)

Ok. Did you think about it?.... Ready to move on?

His heart must have broken. I know it did. He loved so much that he gave up His only son! That must have been painful, the most painful pain in this world. His heart was wrung very very hard. But in the process He gave life to all who will accept it.

I am so very thankful for a God who loves. Who gives me the capacity to love. And who holds me when I'm broken.

Love others. Be vulnerable.


Anonymous said...

I never had a clue of how much God loved me until I held my own son in my arms and realized that He had given His one and only Son to die for me. This post made me think of that night, and of the first time I held you, then Hope, then Gracie. It's not fine china or work jeans. It's broken bones--and broken hearts that grow stronger. God has been so good to always provide exactly what my children needed right when they needed it. Often what He provided was not what I would have chosen--a broken femur, a broken heart, an earthquake. A God who can use the hardest most painful things for our good and for His glory--That is the God I want to serve. I love you. Always and always, Mom

5 Chicks and a Farmer said...

just beautiful sweet girl. i love reading through this and hearing your heart. thank you for that.

praying that the Lord continues to use you in mighty ways to further His kingdom.

We can love because He first loved us!
(1 John 4:19)

Love and miss you!

Anonymous said...

Hi Noelle, I just wanted to let you know that it's such a blessing to get glimpses of what God is working through you and in you as I read your blog. May God bless, keep and direct you as you love others in the name of Christ! I'm praying for you!

~Rebekah Tolo :)


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