Beauties & Babies

 

Do you ever have one of those moments where it feels like everything is just “Working”? you woke up early without your alarm, drank your whole cup of tea before it got cold, your hair looks good, it’s sunny and 73*, you went on a five mile walk in your healthy body, cleared your mind of stress and anxiety lurking in the corners, you stopped by a friend’s house unannounced because you were walking by and couldn’t wait to share what a great day you were having, and just word vomit all your hopes and dreams in their lap, and then on your walk home you just had enough energy and excitement to run the last bit (and LIKE IT?!?) In that moments you feel like you can dream for your future, see clearly what it is that you are passionate about, and your thoughts are not clouded by doubt or fear or whatever other lies you let rule your mind? That afternoon for me was Thursday, August 20, 2015. I felt so energized. But that energy I had cannot carry me through forever, so I had to act.

Recently I posted on social media about my last day at work. It was bittersweet to leave that job that shaped me as a nurse, and the co-workers turned dear friends, but I am even more excited about what is to come. I’m moving toward what moves me. Women move me. I care about women, I care about health, and I care about being a woman who moves other women. It’s hard to be a woman, but it’s also one of the things I’m most thankful for. A woman I follow on Instagram posted the

the picture above, and I think it is so true, when women encourage and empower other women it empowers and encourages them too, and allows them to continue encouraging and empowering more women.

So here’s the long and short of it. I am transitioning out of being a cardiac nurse to being a Women’s Health Advocate/Cheerleader/Educator/Encourager. (That’s the title I just came up with for myself.) 

•  For my “day” job (which will actually be my night job) I will be working at John Peter Smith Hospital here in Fort Worth in their Labor & Delivery department. 
• The rest of my “nurse” time will be spent continuing to volunteer at the Fort Worth Pregnancy Center, empowering women to make informed and healthy choices about their unplanned pregnancy, and giving them all the loving support they need to do so. 
• Also, I have started working with Beauty Counter. It is an amazing company that I’m learning so much through being a part of, and guess what?! It’s mostly women empowering women to make healthy choices! Are we seeing a pattern yet?  (More on Beauty Counter later). 
• Additionally, I’m planning to move forward with my yoga practice and become certified to teach. My girls and guys at The Yoga Project have changed my life in ways I didn’t see coming, and I want to be a part of that life-change too. 
• And I would really love to start writing/blogging again because, for me, that brings about a lot of positive mental health in my life.

I’m making dreams for the future, dreams of how I’ll spend my time, how I’ll impact, encourage, and empower women, and mostly dreams of who I’ll meet and how what they will teach me. It’s too easy to become insecure and full of comparison. I do that every day. We have enough people telling us we are doing it wrong. Someone needs to encourage and tell us that we are doing it right. So I’m both excited and scared. Of course, I’m terrified about working nights, I hate staying up past 10PM. I’m definitely concerned that I’m going to miss my husband all the time between me working nights and him being in medical school. But I’m thankful he’s supportive. Sure I’m worried about learning new things, changing from the private to the county hospital, being responsible for the freshest lives on the whole planet, and making new friends. I definitely feel inadequate when I go in to inform a scared girl or woman of her results pertaining to an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy. Of course I’m worried that through being in a direct sales company people will think I’m being judgy or salesy instead of informative, educational, and caring. Or that people won’t want to be around me because I talk about woman stuff, use woman words that no normal people are comfortable with using. I’m definitely scared to start my blog back up, I mean can I even write (seriously, I used the word woman/women and encourage and empower literally every other word in the second paragraph of this post! Seriously, have I ever used a thesaurus?) who even cares about what I have to say? (Hi mom!) My life isn’t as cool as it used to be 4 years ago when I lived in a developing country, spoke another language 24/7 and had no indoor plumbing. And of course I get insecure when I think about talking to women about their health? Who wants to listen to me? I am far from having the perfect body, balanced hormones, and an all clean GMO free, organic, solar powered, super productive life. But hey, we are all in this together. And I pray that as I walk this journey of life that I do it giving grace and living under the grace that my Heavenly Father has given me.

So that’s my brief update about life. Hopefully, if all goes as planned, I’ll keep up with the blog and you’ll hear more about my job, my life, my marriage, the food I’m eating, the yoga pose I’m working on, and maybe how I decorated my mantle for Fall.

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Progress!!!! This is the first time I've pushed the "Publish" button since January of 2012, and even that was basically a re-blog of an old post. This is kinda the first original post since I blogged regularly in 2011, but I made progress I hit that "publish" button!

10 on Tuesday

So its Tuesday, yet again. I've missed so many along the way, but I've decided just to pick myself up and start again. So here goes. Again, the goal of the 10 on Tuesday is to take 10 pictures every hour for 10 hours throughout the day, but over time its changed into a 10 things blog. Today I'm going to do 10 pictures, not necessarily from today, but they are from this week.

1.  I'm back here!! I realized when I got home to Jacob's Well that so far in 2011 this has been my home more than anywhere else this year. It was so great to be home for a week and see all my friends, and speak Kreyol again!

2. The purpose of my trip was to translate for a medical team from Minnesota. I pleasantly surprised myself with how much Kreyol I had remembered!

3. Of course, I loved seeing Jenny again. (She really was happy to see me too, even though you can't tell.)

4. Remember my old-man friend from this post? I got to see him too! He said every day he's been hoping that I would come back, and we were so glad to see each other. (Also, his had had healed up so nicely I could barely even see the scar, and he couldn't even remember which hand it was at first!)

5. The church has done some expansion! It is going to look so great when its done! Its almost twice as big now as it was when I left. And made of some sturdier materials!

6. Haitian food. Is the best. End of story.

7. I almost cried when I saw Lelene  walking up to me this week! Her leg is almost completely healed. It is nothing short of a miracle! Thank you to all who have prayed for her!

8. I got to meet a few new baby friends. This is Wendel. he is a soccer announcer for the radio in Limbe. This is his son, Wendel Messi, named after the soccer player from Argentina. Wendel has the nickname "Le Grande" in the village because he is at least a head taller and much thicker than most Haitians. Windel Messi is more than likely the biggest 5 month old I've ever seen, following in his father's footsteps!

9. You know how some people are ocean people and some people are mountain people? I'm a mountain person, and I've missed having this as my back yard view!!

10. And lastly, I'm back to skype communicating. I actually didn't have any internet connection at all when I was at camp this past week, but now I'm in Port Au Prince, and back to the old skype instant messaging relationship with Dan and my family. We totally got spoiled by living in the same country and having a telephone. God's reminding us not to take anything for granted!

Weekends are....

...weird.

Weekends hold so much variety. They can be so hard, so lonely, so slow. But they can also be so beautiful, so refreshing, so free.

This weekend, so far has been all of those things.

(Disclaimer: This post is more of a details-of-the-day post. Sorry for giving you all the details and no real thoughts, but my creativity is zilch right now.)

On Friday afternoon Guerline left and went to Limbe, planning on returning on Monday night. This gives me Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night all alone. Half of me was excited to have some time where I'm alone and can just relax, do whatever I want, talk to myself without feeling totally crazy (I live on an island and have no one to speak English to... don't judge, you'd do it too!), whatever. Then Friday night came.
I checked skype. No one there.
My friends and family were all working, celebrating birthdays, going out with friends, taking weekend vacations, etc. I felt so alone. Then I wished Guerline was here. Instead of doing the normal thing that most human beings would do (enjoy some peace, read a book, etc.) I allowed myself to get very lonely. Cried a little, (ok, ok. a lot.) and went to sleep around 7pm, (yes I'm aware that I'm a grandma.) Around 11, I got an urgent text from a dear sweet friend of mine. Her brother was in the hopsital, very scary situation. I cried some more. Wishing I could do something. I hated that I wasn't there to talk to her or help in some way. Its hard to say, "Call me if you need anything at any time of day/night. I'm here for you." When your phone signal is spotty and you are oceans away.
I couldnt sleep again, so I distracted myself by doing some catch up reading on a few blogs, and eventually went back to sleep around 3am feeling much more peaceful and sane than I did at 7pm earlier.

Saturday was pretty stellar, and included all of my favorite things.

Jenny, (my baby) came by to visit me. She is such a cuddle bug, and I love that! One of the things I didn't think about before coming here was how much of a touch person I am. And how much I would miss being hugged all the time. (Meaning that when I come home I'm expecting all of you to hug me like you mean it!!!)

The whether was perfect: sunny, but not scorchingly so. I took a nice, long, cold shower (not my favorite, but being clean is nice), washed my hair for the first time in, well its not important how long its been, but I felt refreshed and clean. Then I warmed up dinner, which happened to be my absolute favorite Haitian food and skyped with a friend and compared our awesome days while I ate. After that I put fresh sheets on my bed, and it started raining on the tin roof (my favorite). After that I texted my mom for a while and had a few good laughs.

Since I had finished the book I was reading (Crazy love, by Francis Chan) that afternoon while Jenny was sleeping, I decided to start another. I began reading God Is the Gospel, by John Piper.  Y'all. Go buy this book and start reading it now! I'm only through the introduction and chapter 1, but its SO good so far. My sister, Gracie gave me Crazy love when she was here in February, and my dear friends Jeff and Natalie, whom I've adopted into the family, gave me God is the Gospel for my birthday in September. I can't believe I haven't started it until now, but I'm glad I finally started! So Saturday was just all around a great day! Praise God for days like that!

Today has been good so far. Sundays are always hard, but today hasn't been as hard as others. I figure Sundays are what you make of them. So I've started going to 2 churches on Sundays. The one here in the village. And also my church back home... (Thank you podcasts. My mom raved about the "Gospel of John" series back in '09, but I hadn't gotten to listen to it until now!)

Something I thought I'd never do that I did today... Listen to a sermon and suck on a mango and pick mango fibers out of my teeth... (I hope God didn't mind. I was enjoying His creation!)

So I guess the point of this post is to say that sometimes weekends are weird. This weekend I went from crying myself to sleep on Friday night, to having an awesome day on Saturday, to having what is so far, a pretty great Sunday. And I'm sure tonight will complete the weekend of awesome-weirdness!

If you are still reading this post you must be truely dedicated. I feel so lame that I'm just spouting off details of the day. I'm sorry if I bored you. I'll try harer next time. But for those of you that wonder what I do on a day to day basis and what little things make me happy (skype conversations, cuddly babies, cold showers, rain on the tin roof.)... Well. Now you know!

Have a Happy Sunday!

Men Dous

I have tiny tears in my eyes as I write this post.

I was just blessed beyond measure.

I know I've blogged about Jenny before. Sometimes I refer to her as "my baby". She is so precious. She used to be a little bit afraid of me because I'm white. Now, when she sees me coming she puts her little arms in the air for me to hold her. When I try to put her down or hand her to someone else she puts the death grip on my shirt and squeezes tightly with her legs. I would love to be able to play with her more, but it seems like every time she comes over and I hold her she falls asleep within 5 minutes. (I'm not exaggerating this at all!)

Today my sweet baby came over. She's in the middle of teething and has a fever. I held her and she immediately cuddled up to me and fell asleep. I was called away to help Boss Varis with something and laughingly mentioned that she always falls asleep when I hold her. He said, "In Kreyol we call that Men Dous" when you hold babies and they always fall asleep. I know that Haiti has a lot of "sayings" and was so excited that he shared that with me.  I didn't recognize the word "dous" though. After Jenny left I looked it up in my dictionary.

"Men Dous"- Gentle Hands.

(Did you notice that she's got the Gig'em thumb?)

I was so touched. My friend, Aimee, calls me the baby whisperer. I don't know why, but something about me makes babies fall asleep.

 As I was thinking about men dous I realized that is exactly how God is. He is the only one that can hold me tight and immediately make me feel at peace. He is the one that whispers peace to my soul. Sometimes I wish that I was more like Jenny, I wish I held tightly to him when I feel myself getting further away. I wish I acknowleged his men dous more than I do. I wish that even as I am at peace and sleeping I will snuggle closer and hold tightly to his fingers. My daddy on earth can make me feel very safe. I have fallen asleep many times snuggled up to him listening to his heartbeat.

But my father in Heaven is the ever present one with the most gentle of hands!
Snuggle up to your Father. He is The Men Dous that will wisper peace and rest to your weary soul!

Remember when I thought I lost a picture that I loved? I didn't!
Meet Jessica, 100% cutie.

Also, apparently I can load pictures. I just have to begin the process and then walk away for an hour or 4 and it will evenutally load! Yay!

10 on Tuesday

So I have this friend, and she lives in Africa with her new husband. She has this great blog. You should check it out here. Point being, she does this cool thing called the 10 on 10, where on the 10th day of each month she posts 10 pictures to document her day. That way people back home will have an idea of what a 'normal' day in Africa looks like for Katy.

As soon as I saw Katy's 10 on 10 I decided I wanted to do it on my blog. But there are a few problems.
#1. I am only going to be in Haiti for 5 months therefore only giving me five 10 on 10s. So I decided to call it 10 on Tuesday and do it that way, which will give me an excuse to load lots of pictures once a week. Sounds like a great idea right? Well....

Problem #2 is that the internet that I have here is not very good. It is too slow to add pictures. AND I won't have it for a few more weeks which will cause me to miss a few more Tuesdays.

So I have decided to draw word pictures for the next couple of 10 on Tuesdays and you can imagine what things are like here until I get better internet.

Here goes my first official 10 on Tuesday - word edition

1. eating a pb&j Sandwich for breakfast
2. Walking down the road from camp to the clinic (which meets at the school/church building. I'm planning on posting a photo tour as soon as I get good internet.) There is a house at the corner that has somewhere between 7 and 12 kids and when I walk by they all shout "Noelle! Noelle! Noelle!" Its so adorable. The snapshot of the house this morning would look something like this: one kid totally naked and soaped up for his bath. One kid standing dripping wet in the bucket taking a bath, one kid with just his shirt on playing in the dirt. one little girl sorting the charcoal into piles in the yard, and other miscellaneous children peeking around trees or playing in the yard.
3. counting tablets of high blood pressure medicine in the pharmacy
4. getting distracted by the baby that totally needed me to hold her for an hour. So adorable.
5. missing getting peed on by the baby. (I put her down for less than 4 minutes and when I went back to get her.... pee. streaming down her legs.... at least it wasn't on my shirt. No diapers here.)
6. going on a walk with Gersan to look at his new land that was purchased last week. He showed me the mahogany, bannana, mango, coconut, and oak trees that are on it. Also showed me where the future road will be and where the future permanent residences will be located.
7. Road trip to Cap Haitian to take Gersan to the airport.
8. Grocery store trip. The grocery store was the size of a gas station, And I'm not talking buc-ees. I have no idea how they got everything to fit in there.
9. Dinner and hanging out in the kitchen with Betty, Boss Varis, Alicia, Jerome, and Danger, our driver... Our driver's name is danger... sounds safe?
10. Ending the day sitting in my cabin on skype and blogging.

And these are small wordy snapshots of my day.
They say a picture says a thousand words... Too bad I don't have picture capabilities.

P.S. I have the beginning of about 4 blogs in my head. There are a lot of neat things happening in this village! Keep the prayers coming!

Who told boys...

That they need to stop being adorable?

I was watching my friends Kenzi and Devon play today. They are the most adorable little boys ever. They are about 4 years old and I watched them walk up holding hands and chatting and laughing. Then, just for fun gave each other piggy back rides, and then came to watch us in the clinic. As they stood there, they had their arms around each others shoulders leaning on one another and discussed what they saw. Super adorable.

Then when it was time for me to leave they walked with me ALL the way home. Each holding a hand of mine and jibber jabbering all the time. I was thinking about how much I wanted them to stay that way forever. I know sometime soon people will tell them that they should be tough and fight and not be adorable. But I wish they wouldn't.




... I promise I'm going to post a real update soon! Thank you all for praying for me. Keep them coming!

"This is Haiti"

Ok. Now it feels real. I don't think I really believed that I was actually staying here when the team all went home. I mean, I told the kids that I would be back Sunday, but it didn't feel real. Now it does. I said goodbye to my last pieces of America about 6 hours ago. I hugged everyone once, then once again. Then one last time, I hugged a teary-eyed little sister and as they were all leaving I kinda wanted to scream out, "Wait!! Take me with you!!" It feels real now. I wiped silent tears from my eyes as we drove home from the airport. I'm not sure why the tears were there, but they were... There are so many reasons. I laughed and told Betty that I didn't expect to cry and I was suprised that Hope cried and she said, "Well. This IS Haiti."

I couldn't help but smile knowing that was true. Of all the tears I've cried in the last year, 99% of them were for this country. Sadness and grieving over the quake. Missing my Haitian people. Joy for them when I heard good news. Rejoicing with tears over lives saved from death and darkness. Hopeful tears when I see the changes in my village and thankful tears when I see my kiddos singing praises to our Savior.

So, this IS Haiti- TIH.
Haiti has a way of opening your eyes. Shaking you up. Messing with your heart.

...And making you want nothing more than to live in a village and have your name pronouced wrong  forever(NOwaa or nOelle) because that means you can hold the hands of your little black babies and kiss them and hug them again and again and tell them over and over that you love them and that they are special.

I wish with all my heart I had a picture to put up to illustrate what I'm feeling, but I either misplaced my camera or it got relocated by one of the locals and I lost my pictures from last week... I'll be sure to take another one, but I'll describe the specific picture I want you to see.

One of my babies... she's nine years old, but is about the size of an American 4 year old. Missing one of her front teeth and waiting for a grown up tooth to replace it. Poofy pigtails in her hair with bows at the end. Brown striped shirt. You can tell she is going to be BEAUTIFUL when she grows up. We are talking. She is holding my hands and touching my hair and face like I'm some kind of novelty... (which I guess I am because not only am I white... I am SUPER white... like almost clear! But that's beside the point.) She kisses my forehead and tells me she loves me. I wanted to cry right there but instead I gave her a huge hug and told her I loved her back. Later I get my camera to get a picture with her. First picture, no smile. Typical for Haitian kids. Second picture, I tell her to smile and get the tiniest smile you've ever seen. Third picture, I say, "Big big big smile!" I get the most adorabe, one-tooth-missing smile you've ever seen as I hold her on my hip and she has a death grip on my neck. Jessica is why I'm here.

I want to just love these children forever. Spend time with them. Kids are so easy to talk to. I don't have to worry about my grammar, or sentence structure, or even vocab because they are so happy to be touched and held.

I love my babies. And I can not wait to see them tomorrow when I get back to Ti Guinea!
I don't know what I will do with my life or where I will be in 20 years, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is what I was created to do from now until May.

Love God's Children. This is Haiti. This is why I'm here.

Truth Hour

I love reading other people's blogs. I love their honesty. I love their adventures. I love their humor.

Its so exciting and wonderful that we have this outlet to talk about our lives. To beautifully journal out our hearts, or maybe not so beautifully vent.

Some people's blogs make me laugh. Some make me cry... a lot.

However, if I were to be 100% honest with you I'd have to admit I do find myself getting jealous.
Sometimes I'm jealous of other people's humor and writing style. I think, "I bet if I were a funnier writer....something" I don't even know what would happen, but at least I'd be funny!

Last week I found myself jealous of other people's situations. Most of the blogs I read are of missionaries, living in countries that I want to be in. Like the Hendricks, the Livesay's, the Stone's, Theresa, and all the other blogs that I read by snowballing from my friends blogs.

Its really hard to read other people's adventures and blogs and be stuck here.

I found a plane ticket Thursday night.

No. Not like magically found it stuck in a book somewhere. I "found" after about 45 minutes of plane research to find the cheapest ticket. I considered running away one weekend in October.

Round trip price $520 (That's including the tax already.)
I was impressed. And pretty tempted to take that trip. I have learned a few things about purchasing plane tickets since my last trip... I won't tell you exactly how much I paid for my last plane ticket, but it was almost double what this $520 one was.

Knowing that I couldn't run away I did the next best thing... cry.

I miss my Haiti. I miss the Kreyol. I miss the children, their smiles, their nappy hair, their accents when the Limbe kids mimic our English, "Watiz yo rnaam?" (Say it out loud= What is your name?), when they see us and shout "gig'em" and "howdyee". Then they go running half clothed through the village shouting "Blanc! Blanc! Blanc!" alerting the neighborhood that we have arrived! I just miss it all.

I've had a lot of conversations about "the future" and Haiti recently. More specifically, what life would look like if the future doesn't include Haiti... and what if it does?

I've come to a place where I realize that... ummmm.....

(I've now stared at the beginning of that sentence trying to come up with an end to it for the past 15 minutes...)

OK. Here's where I am:

I want to serve the Lord with my life.

I want that to be in Haiti.

For now, I think those two things are in agreement.

However, I have realized that just because I think God wants me in Haiti for now doesn't mean that He's going to want me there forever.

I have a desire to be a wife and a mother. After holding Annie Bowles all of last night, the mommy part of me is really excited for the day I'll be able to hold my own babies. I have this really adorable vision of me and my children (some of them adopted with beautiful black skin) sitting in our hut and playing in the dirt in Haiti. I can see myself panicking the first time my son gets too high up in the coconut tree, or being emotional when my daughter makes me my first flower and weed bracelet. It will be awesome.

But while I can see that and think it will be awesome. I can also see myself having the makings of a pretty good American soccer mom. I don't think I could drive a mini van (they weird me out), but an SUV or a Tahoe I could drive.

Basically, I'm excited to see what's ahead.

Hoping that it is Haiti.

But excited either way.

I told a good friend yesterday that as awesome as my plans are, I know that God is faithful and His plans are perfect. I love it when our plans are the same. I pray for that! But I know that if my heart is seeking His I'll be more than happy wherever I am.

And I'm looking forward to that!

How Foolish I Feel

This post is going to be hard for me to write. Some of it is graphic. I want to effectively communicate what I saw, so I don't think I can leave out certain details. However, these things were very hard for me to see and harder for me to write.

Gersan had done His best to warn, and prepare us for what we would see at the General Hospital today. I was prepared mentally, but not emotionally. I still thought God had brought me to Haiti to help people. But Gersan had been right. God didn't need me for his plans, He wanted to change my heart!

Doctor Rachel Coq came to pick us up early in the morning. We got to talk a lot about healthcare in Haiti and some of the issues that they face. We found out that she is a big deal, not only in Haiti, but worldwide. She was preparing to go to a conference in South Africa and she had been many other places for work. She worked with AIDS patients, "SIDA" in Kreyol, and we spent the car ride to the Hospital talking about that. I really enjoyed spending time with her. She is one of those rare beautiful people that everything she does seems beautiful and elegant. I loved listening to her accent and the way she talked about her people. I could tell she loved her work and the ones she worked with.

We arrived at the hospital and she walked us in the door, spoke briefly with someone then said, "Orevwa!"

"OREVWA??!?!" – "YOU'RE LEAVING!???"

Yes, she was leaving. She had other things to do that day, so she was going to leave us with a lady in the administration office. In Haiti, It's hard to tell who is friends with whom, because they are all so friendly, so I don't know if Rachel knew the lady we got left with, or if she was a stranger. Either way we got left in the administration office.

"ok. We can handle this." We tell our selves. "This is Haiti" quickly became our motto for anything that went different than we planned.

After waiting over an hour in the office watching people come and go, and no one acknowledging our existence, we decided they had totally forgotten about us. The walls were white, and so were we, maybe we blended in? Then the head charge nurse said, "Follow me." So we did, she took us to another nurse, who walked us to the pediatric building. She explained that she was a maternity nurse and wanted to leave us with someone in that department, so she introduced us to Naomi, a pediatric nurse. Did I mention that every person down the line spoke less and less English? They asked who is staying and who wants to go to the surgery building? .... Wow. That sounds exciting, but I think we'll stick together. (We thought our mothers would appreciate that.)

And so our hospital tour began. I know we were both humbled by the next few hours. We thought we were going to come in and change the world, but God needed to break our hearts and humble us first… He did.

I don't think I was prepared for what I saw after that. In a sense I was, because they had prepared me for the worst. I'm not really surprised by anything I see in Haiti anymore, but sometimes its still hard to take in.

There were 3 rooms in the "main" part of the pedi ward. Naomi showed us around and stopped by almost every bed explaining what was wrong with each child. She spoke French with an attempt at an American accent and we tried to add a French accent to our English. Communication was a battle for sure! Every child was febrile, anemic, malnourished, and had edema. Some had infections, but I got the idea that the malnourishment caused all the problems. After telling us what each child had, she would look at us with a look that said, "Can you help?"

Heartbreaking.

There was room upon room of children, younger, older, babies, infants, teens… all malnourished and uncared for. I could tell which children had families and money by how well they were cared for. Some were just laying there with no IV, no medicine, nothing. Just waiting to die. There was one baby that the nurse wanted to show us. She had no IV, no medication, and no care. She was hydrocephalic; a condition where there is a buildup of fluid inside the skull and severe brain swelling occurs causing deformation. This sweet baby had not been fed or cared for, she was tinier than tiny. Her arms and legs were no bigger than one of my little fingers. Both eyes were severely infected; I wouldn't doubt that she had become blind from the infection. Nothing was being done. The nurses were all sure to show her to Erin and I multiple times, like an animal at the zoo, but not a sweet baby girl that God loves dearly.

We were then led down a hallway. I new smell hit me square in the face. Rancid. I thought, "Where are we going?" I honestly thought we were leaving through the back abandoned hallway door or something, but no, we walked into another room. There were 3-5 children per bed. Most had dried food or vomit on them; some were lying in beds with sheets that looked as if they had been soiled over and over without being changed. They seemed to all have mental problems. They reached out us like beggars in jail through the bars of their cribs. They weren't begging for money, but for someone to love them. The nurses would slap their hands and scold as they reached out to us. Some looked as old as 12, but didn't have speech or controlled movements, almost as if they had never been held or stimulated so they never developed right.

These were the children with no mothers or fathers: Orphans. I felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach. These were God's children, the apple of His eye. To be totally honest with you, my first reaction upon walking into that room was to recoil, and shy away when they reached out. Those kids were dirty and smelled bad. I needed purell, gloves, and a facemask before I got close to them. Then a split second later I wanted to sit on the floor and cry. Then I wanted to pick them all up, bathe them and hold them. Oh! How Jesus would have loved them! Oh, how He DOES love them!

The nurse hurried us off to another room. There was a man there who spoke decent English and showed us around his room explaining what the children had there. Most were teens with heart problems like arrhythmias, or other problems like Tuberculosis and meningitis.

From there we were taken to the Neonatal ICU where a doctor that spoke French and Creole, but not a word of English was working. Basically we stood and looked at the babies for the next few hours. There was nothing for us to do in the hospital, which is why we kept getting passed around to the next person, and on down the line. We spent the rest of the afternoon in the NICU. All the babies in there were premature and had mothers that were HIV/AIDS. I can't even begin to tell you how tiny these babies were. I bottle fed a few and thought they would be too little to suck, but somehow they did. Those babies were fighters, fighting for their lives. What a hard life they had ahead of them. Haiti is so hot of a place that you wouldn't think they would need incubators, but those babies were so little and cold. Some were wrapped in plastic baggies wrapped so tight, so the heat wouldn't escape.

We stayed there, feeling very useless and in the way, but enjoying holding the babies and loving them whether we were in the way or not.

I think both me and Erin felt a little guilty for not working a longer day…. And not really doing anything other than be "on tour" in the hospital. God still had humbling to do. We both went home feeling very foolish and frustrated and helpless…and heartbroken.

Here is something from my prayer journal that night: "How silly of me to think I could come here and do something for you, God… I feel so foolish and arrogant that I assumed we could actually be of some help to these people. I don't even speak the language or know anything about medicine. I pray that you will give me a humble heart to see and know you. I pray that I won't become discouraged about how little I can help, but become motivated to learn and apply myself more."

It was a hard day to say the least. I hope I adequately described the tragedy and pain I saw that day. God loves those children, He has not forgotten them, although it seems like everyone else had. I had to keep telling myself over and over, God loves and knows those babies!