Beauties & Babies

 

Do you ever have one of those moments where it feels like everything is just “Working”? you woke up early without your alarm, drank your whole cup of tea before it got cold, your hair looks good, it’s sunny and 73*, you went on a five mile walk in your healthy body, cleared your mind of stress and anxiety lurking in the corners, you stopped by a friend’s house unannounced because you were walking by and couldn’t wait to share what a great day you were having, and just word vomit all your hopes and dreams in their lap, and then on your walk home you just had enough energy and excitement to run the last bit (and LIKE IT?!?) In that moments you feel like you can dream for your future, see clearly what it is that you are passionate about, and your thoughts are not clouded by doubt or fear or whatever other lies you let rule your mind? That afternoon for me was Thursday, August 20, 2015. I felt so energized. But that energy I had cannot carry me through forever, so I had to act.

Recently I posted on social media about my last day at work. It was bittersweet to leave that job that shaped me as a nurse, and the co-workers turned dear friends, but I am even more excited about what is to come. I’m moving toward what moves me. Women move me. I care about women, I care about health, and I care about being a woman who moves other women. It’s hard to be a woman, but it’s also one of the things I’m most thankful for. A woman I follow on Instagram posted the

the picture above, and I think it is so true, when women encourage and empower other women it empowers and encourages them too, and allows them to continue encouraging and empowering more women.

So here’s the long and short of it. I am transitioning out of being a cardiac nurse to being a Women’s Health Advocate/Cheerleader/Educator/Encourager. (That’s the title I just came up with for myself.) 

•  For my “day” job (which will actually be my night job) I will be working at John Peter Smith Hospital here in Fort Worth in their Labor & Delivery department. 
• The rest of my “nurse” time will be spent continuing to volunteer at the Fort Worth Pregnancy Center, empowering women to make informed and healthy choices about their unplanned pregnancy, and giving them all the loving support they need to do so. 
• Also, I have started working with Beauty Counter. It is an amazing company that I’m learning so much through being a part of, and guess what?! It’s mostly women empowering women to make healthy choices! Are we seeing a pattern yet?  (More on Beauty Counter later). 
• Additionally, I’m planning to move forward with my yoga practice and become certified to teach. My girls and guys at The Yoga Project have changed my life in ways I didn’t see coming, and I want to be a part of that life-change too. 
• And I would really love to start writing/blogging again because, for me, that brings about a lot of positive mental health in my life.

I’m making dreams for the future, dreams of how I’ll spend my time, how I’ll impact, encourage, and empower women, and mostly dreams of who I’ll meet and how what they will teach me. It’s too easy to become insecure and full of comparison. I do that every day. We have enough people telling us we are doing it wrong. Someone needs to encourage and tell us that we are doing it right. So I’m both excited and scared. Of course, I’m terrified about working nights, I hate staying up past 10PM. I’m definitely concerned that I’m going to miss my husband all the time between me working nights and him being in medical school. But I’m thankful he’s supportive. Sure I’m worried about learning new things, changing from the private to the county hospital, being responsible for the freshest lives on the whole planet, and making new friends. I definitely feel inadequate when I go in to inform a scared girl or woman of her results pertaining to an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy. Of course I’m worried that through being in a direct sales company people will think I’m being judgy or salesy instead of informative, educational, and caring. Or that people won’t want to be around me because I talk about woman stuff, use woman words that no normal people are comfortable with using. I’m definitely scared to start my blog back up, I mean can I even write (seriously, I used the word woman/women and encourage and empower literally every other word in the second paragraph of this post! Seriously, have I ever used a thesaurus?) who even cares about what I have to say? (Hi mom!) My life isn’t as cool as it used to be 4 years ago when I lived in a developing country, spoke another language 24/7 and had no indoor plumbing. And of course I get insecure when I think about talking to women about their health? Who wants to listen to me? I am far from having the perfect body, balanced hormones, and an all clean GMO free, organic, solar powered, super productive life. But hey, we are all in this together. And I pray that as I walk this journey of life that I do it giving grace and living under the grace that my Heavenly Father has given me.

So that’s my brief update about life. Hopefully, if all goes as planned, I’ll keep up with the blog and you’ll hear more about my job, my life, my marriage, the food I’m eating, the yoga pose I’m working on, and maybe how I decorated my mantle for Fall.

******

Progress!!!! This is the first time I've pushed the "Publish" button since January of 2012, and even that was basically a re-blog of an old post. This is kinda the first original post since I blogged regularly in 2011, but I made progress I hit that "publish" button!

Old Friend

Its been a while since I've written. A very long while. I can't really pinpoint the reason for this.
Being busy?
Being lazy?
Not having thoughts?
Not wanting to have thoughts?

I really don't know. But today, for some reason I really am missing this old friend. Maybe its because I'm missing home in Ti Guinea? That's when me and the writing obsession really fell for each other? Maybe its because it was this time last year that I found out I was moving to the country that I loved, to do something totally unknown. I have tears in my eyes, and running down my face as I write this. Part of me is wishing it was last year and I am about to embark on the most incredible journey of my life. Having no idea the people that I'm about to meet...The people who are going to steal my heart, teach my heart, break my heart, and heal my heart. I miss them. Today especially, I miss them.

This morning as we sang in church, I couldn't stop thinking about the Sunday that I woke up with a headache, skipped church in the village and went up to the mountain to pray and to spend time in prayer. I couldn't stop seeing the valley in my mind. Hearing the kids yelling my name, "Norell! Norell!", as I tried to disguise myself and have some alone time with Jesus. I miss the way that the village broke my heart. I miss the lessons that I learned through small conversations with old men, with young girls, with old women, and with little ones who weren't yet old enough to talk.

This year I'm about to embark on another journey. One that looks very different than the one last year. I sit here missing the past, yet looking forward to the future. The same nervous feeling in my stomach, fear of the unknown. The Haiti adventure was one that took my breath away so many times. It was painful, it was hard, but it was so incredibly beautiful. The adventure I'm about to begin will be tough, but I think it will have its joys. The one thing that I know is why I'm going. I'm going to nursing school, to learn, so that eventually (hopefully) I can move back to Ti Guinea, and help the women that I already love. I can see their faces when I close my eyes. I can hear their giggles and smirks when I pronounce words wrong, or hug them and tell them they are beautiful and that I love them. This journey is unknown just like the last, but hopefully, it will end in the same place, with the same faces.

My heart beats is for the women of Ti Guinea. For the women of Ba Limbe, and the other surrounding villages. My dream is to love them, to teach them, and to live with them. I have many thoughts on how I want to accomplish this. Health education, women's health, midwifery, general education and skills training, etc. but, lest I get caught up in the details, I'm just envisioning these women. Their faces, their names, their stories.

I miss my old friend the blog. I miss living with the people who inspired its stories. When I started writing, it was a blog about me, but how foolish I was to not see that this is about their stories. But more importantly, its about God's story in all of us. How He is weaving our hearts together. How He is satisfying us.

 Its so easy to look to other things for our satisfaction. Its easy for me to look towards the future and say that once I finish school, get married, and move to Haiti I'll be ok. But I know that's not true. There are so many things that I look towards for fulfillment that will never satisfy me. I'll never be "ok" unless I look to Christ for all the fulfillment, joy, and satisfaction that I need. He's the reason that all these things are good. I am so undeserving of the blessings that he has lavished on my heart.

I hope that me and this old friend will get to spend more time together. That I will spend more time writing, because the lessons I learn while writing are just more undeserved blessings from Him.

February Update

So much has happened this month! Just looking at the calendar I would have never expected that so much would happen here. It is such a priveledge for me to be here and get a front row seat to all that is going on. AND to be able to tell you all about it. Sometimes the Valcins get so busy with all that they do in their ministry that it is too hard to sit and write a newsletter about it because it would take all month!! Thankfully, God has brought me here, and given me a semi-reliable internet system in order that I can update you on what is going on in the Valcin ministry here in the North. (Now we just need someone to talk about all that is going on in Port Au Prince!)


Church: This month, as I've mentioned before, a lot of things happened in the church. Please continue to pray for those who attended the class that Gersan was teaching about the foundations of Christianity. Please continue to pray for Tolem as Gersan prayerfully considers starting to mentor him into becoming one of the church leaders. Pray also as he tries to start a small buisiness of selling minutes for the telephone, so he can support himself in his ministry. Pray for the current pastor, that he will have a teachable spirit and start acting like a man of integrity as the leader of the church.


Voodoo: Please continue to pray for those who are living in fear and bondage to Satan. There has been a voodoo ceremony going on this entire month almost, and they are still going on, morning, afternoon, evening, night, dawn. You name the time, and they are chanting, shreiking, beating the drums etc. Here is what I know about the ceremony... They have somewhere around 20 chickens 11 goats and at least one cow. They are going to be sacrificing and eating these until the end of the ceremony. The word in the gossip circle around the village is that the voodoo preist is getting rid of all of his voodoo stuff by having a huge ceremony in order that he can become a Christian at the end. However, this is not a good plan. I wish someone would tell him that He needs to just come to Christ if he is going to do that. Please pray that he will come to Jesus. And not wait another minute, because his soul is at stake. (Not to mention that I'm sure those goats,chickens and cows wouldn't mind living longer. AND I could use a decent nights' sleep!)

Click here to read background info on the church and voodoo.

Medical happenings: Last week I asked for prayer for Lèlène and her leg. She went to the hospital in Cap Haitian and spent at least 2 days there. They decided not to do the graft surgery after all because the doctors thought they could save her leg without doing that surgery. As far as I know she is back at home and visiting a nurse daily for wound care. Thank you for your prayers for her! Also, I believe I had mentioned Bebelove and her severely infected eyes.

 I saw her yesterday and her eyes looked beautiful! Praise God! (sorry I didn't get a picture of her beautiful eyes and smile. Next time!)

 One of the men who works here full-time told me last week that his little baby had a burn. When I asked follow-up questions I discovered that she had fallen in some boiling milk and her entire bottom and the back of her thighs were burnt. I told him to call his wife and bring her that afternoon. Thank the Lord for His provision! Last year, He gave me the opportunity to work at Global Outreach International in Titaynen, Haiti. There is a specialty burn clinic there, and I got one day of burn experience before the earthquake, which then gave me lots more burn experience. Little did I know I would be doing much the same thing, without the earthquake setting here in Little Guinea. I have been taking care Krystena (I don't really know how to spell it...), or as we call her NaNa, for about a week now. She is making progress every day!
 
I was able to call Sheryl, the nurse at Global Outreach and she sent me some more burn supplies, because I was running low on them. Thank God for His goodness and grace. I think NaNa is going to recover well. We are about 2 weeks past the day of the burn and no infection. She is starting to get some of her skin back as well and it is no longer raw and red.

Nana was somewhat unhappy with me when this picture was taken. Burns are incredibly painful and I had just finished soaking and removing some of the dead skin from her burn. But recently she has been much happier. We are not best friends, but I think we might get there one day! Madam Tchaly is adorable. I love her. She is one of those people that I can tell is a good mom! Please continue to pray for NaNa as she heals.


Community projects: A lot has been going on in our village too. Water Missions Haiti has built latrines for several families in the community. This past week the director came and brought some of his team to have a formal ceremony of giving the toilets and doing my favorite thing... Health Education!! They had a wonderful presentation on cholera and general sanitation.

This girl was very articulate and did a wonderful job of explaining throughly and clearly what she wanted to communicate, but also expressing it in a way that someone could understand even without any type of education.

She explained how water gets contaminated with microbes, she explained what microbes were, and what the bad ones will do to you if you get them inside of you, and how to properly wash hands!

I was so happy that this education happened. I haven't been able to do much health ed like I had hoped because my language isn't quite that far along. I have been able to talk to NaNa's mom a lot about the burn, but she is very gracious with me and re-translates things back to me in CORRECT Kreyol, to make sure she understood what I was saying.

On top of doing health education there was a short presentation on the care and keeping of a toilet. Each person recieved a bucket to put clean water in and wash thier hands after they use the toilet, and to use to pour in the toilet to flush it. They were given toilet brushes, soap, a water carrier pouch to drink in the fields or at work, and a containter to carry water in and leave on the counter to drink. A lot of times people here get water in 5 gallon buckets which stay open and stagnant and go bad, but they still drink it.

This is the group shot of everyone who recieve a Each person recieved a latrine.

 I'm so glad that these people have this education and the tools to have better drinking water! The drinking water distribution site is here at Jacob's Well and it has been a joy to see people coming to fill their buckets!

 Also:

 We gave this man a house at the beginning of the month.
 
                                          
 I'm not exactly sure how this came about, but he is one of our security guards here. He and his wife live in his house along with 7 other people. His house is smaller than the master bathrooms of most of you who are reading this. 10 feet by 10 feet maybe?

                                      

9 people live here.

And sleep here.

You can't tell very well from the picture but total in the house there about 4 beds all shoved together. I'm talking like beds without mattresses. Just the frames with wood or wire holding the rags that used to be sheets. People shouldn't live this way, but they do. Praise God that we were able to help this man and his family! The house we are giving him is a lot nicer, and will keep the rain out. And it will not be made of rags. Its still small for 9 people to live in, but it is a gift that they are very thankful for. We have all the materials ready to begin building, but don't currently have money for a slab. The slab will cost about $550 USD.


In conclusion:  God has done so very much this month in our village. There is so much I want to tell you about, but I think this post is about 7 times longer than it should be already. Bottom line... Pray for us. Pray for these people. Pray for their hearts. Pray for their souls. Pray for their bodies. Haiti never ceases to amaze me. And neither do the prayers that our God answers!!!

If  you are interested in donating to our ministry for the slab for this man's house or any of the other projects that we are involved in currently then please email me and I will send you more details: noelle.gonzalez11@gmail.com

I will be writing again soon about some of the other projects that you could donate to if you are interested. Please check back for details!

Monsters

Pop quiz: What is this blue stuff?

If you guessed that it is a close-up of Cookie Monster's hair you are.....

WRONG.

This is a picture of the teeny tiny microscopic monsters that cause Cholera.

These monsters are running wild in Haiti right now. Cholera is spread by the injection of contaminated water. According to Google health Cholera occurs mostly in places with poor sanitation, crowding, and famine. That describes Haiti's tent cities to a T.

The World Health Organization defines cholera as "an extremely virulent disease. It affects both children and adults and can kill within hours." These bacteria attach to the small intestine and produce a toxin causing massive amounts of diarrhea, vomiting, and water loss. The result is death by dehydration. Those most at risk are the young, the old, and the malnourished. However, there hasn't been an outbreak in Haiti in several decades. This means that there is basically no immunity to the germ in anyone. This outbreak has claimed the lives of almost 200 and infected almost 2,300 in a matter of about a day and a half. There is more to come. It is not difficult to treat if you have access to the right antibiotics and clean water, but those are both rare finds in Haiti.

With the rainy season in Haiti it becomes harder to obtain a clean source of water and thus aids the spread of the disease. This is not just localized in Port-Au-Prince, but has started in the countryside. However, it travels fast and shows no mercy.

Join with me in praying for these beautiful people. Once again I find it hard not to be there with them. It makes me realize all that I have. I never think twice about whether the water that I drink contains toxin-releasing monsters that are going to invade my intestines and cause me to poop so much that I die. I only notice when it tastes bad because its full of minerals. I don't go to bed hungry and wake up just hoping that I'll get one meal the next morning. But they do.

For more information on this read Dr. Jen's blog. (working in Haiti at Heartline ministries.) She has posted a lot of useful info on this subject.


I pray for the people of Haiti tonight. Give them peace. Work a miracle and kill these Cholera monsters. Hold your people tonight. Comfort them, show them your love.

Be with those who are caring for the sick. Give them strength and endurance to work long hours in less than ideal situation. This is not a glamorous disease to care for. Its sad and stinky. Give them an extra dose of grace and mercy. Pour your love into their hearts so they can love the your people. Protect them from illness.

Save the beautiful souls of Haiti. Let them cry out to you. Hear their cries. Save them from more death and misery. You are God. This is your plan. This is your time. I only see a small piece of the puzzle. You see the masterpiece. Make this tragic place beautiful again. Turn these broken hearts into a glorious mosaic for your glory. Make Haiti love you.

I trust you.

Amen.

Noelle in a Nutshell

So I've been writing emails to different organizations recently to see what opportunities there are for me in Haiti. The more I write these the more I learn about myself I think. I think I've currently contacted almost 20 organizations so far and one has expressed real interest, but the jury is still out on if its where God wants me. I'm still waiting on a response for one and the others were either, 'no not now,' or they simply never replied to me. Which is fine, I'm sure they are all great organizations, maybe I got the wrong email address. I'm trying to give up being frustrated with third world non-profits in the Caribbean because there is no concept of time :)

I was planning on writing an email a few weeks ago and tried to come up with how to explain myself well to someone that I know, but don't know well. This is a woman that has a wonderful blog. Read it here. I read her blog. I love her blog. She is real. honest. funny. beautiful. from college station. and now lives in Haiti. (I wish I was all those things.) So while I feel like I know her super well she does not know me well at all. She and her husband Aaron just moved to Haiti and have a vision for a ministry called Mosaic Village. Which, if you read about it is just what I've been praying for.


So here is my not-so-short description of myself:


I have known Jesus as my Savior since I was 4 years old. I have loved Him deeply since I was about 13. I have not always loved Him well. Currently I am more in love and astounded by His greatness than I ever have been, but looking forward to knowing and loving Him more. God has done so much healing in my deeply broken heart this summer.

I have worked at a summer camp that hosts children ages 8-12 for the past 7 years. I love kids. All shapes, sizes and races. I love laughing with children and I never cease to be amazed at what they teach me.

I have struggled deeply with health issues for many, many years. I think that is part of why I decided to be a health major. Some of my health problems are because I was not responsible with my body, and some are because I am genetically predisposed to having a wacky body. Currently I am focused on changing the way I eat, the way I move, and the way I view my health issues. If I'm being totally honest, this is a very difficult aspect of my life. I've given up too many times to count. Today I am optimistic, we'll see about tomorrow.

When I was 8 I read a book about Mother Theresa. Since then I have wanted to do medical missions in a third world country.

In December 2007 I went to Haiti on a mission trip. If I have ever felt at home in a place it was then. I didn't ever want to come home. Every time I leave Haiti I leave a bigger part of my heart there. This past trip my whole heart was ripped right out of me and then shredded up. Piece by tiny piece my Savior knit me back together again.

I hope and pray that I will be a Haitian resident from January-May2011. My goals for when I am there are not to change lives or save the country although both of those would be stellar! I am praying that I will form real relationships. I want to love. I have been, and continue to be, so healed and filled by Christs' love, and I want to pour that out on others. I want to be a blessing to just one person. If it takes 5 months to bless someones' life then, so be it. If all I do is scrub toilets or change diapers for 5 months-then fine! I want to be a blessing.

Dream come true- I would spend 5 months holding babies while playing with toddlers while chatting it up with 5 year-olds while hanging out with teens and other Haitian nannies. I would love to love children as Jesus did while He was on earth.

I have a family that would support me through anything. They care deeply and give me their opinions on absolutely everything, but in the end I know its because they love me and want me to be safe. I think they would support me in almost anything excluding changing my name to Earl and becoming a hillbilly in Tennessee.

I have fantastic friends. Each knowing me, challenging me, and encouraging me in slightly different ways. I love them all. Some live 10 steps away from me, some live 10 states away. Thank goodness for technology.

I love to laugh well. I didn't genuinely laugh for a good 3 months after the earthquake and it was really a big step when I was able to be joyful and silly again. What a gift it is to have a heart that can rejoice and sing!

I'm passionate about people. I want to love God's people.

Before

I loved Haiti before the earthquake
I have a strong passion for those people
I love them
I want to be with them
What is God going to do with that?
Am I going to be there forever?
I don't know.
Would I like to be?
I don't know. "Yes?" "Maybe?"

I know that its going to work out.

Cynthia

I met her the Thursday after the earthquake. I think she was around 6 years old.
Her leg was badly hurt in the earthquake.
Her entire family (Father, Brothers, Sisters, Aunts, and Grandma) about 12 total were in a tap-tap accident on the way to the clinic. The driver and one passenger were killed.
Trauma after trauma after trauma.
When the 12 of them arrived, most of them were in hysterics.
Not Cynthia. She was so strong. Her leg was wrapped up in what looked like old ripped up jeans. I started to unwrap it while the other nurses took care of the other family members. She winced and looked up at me with her big dark eyes. Instant friends.
Something about us connected.
In my limited Kreyol I told her I was here to help. I knew it hurt. I was sorry to hurt her, but I was helping.
Trust.
As she clung to the dolly we gave her with one hand and held my ankle with the other I unwrapped her leg. She would squeeze when it hurt too much and I would stop and try to be more careful, or talk to her and take my mind off of it. She would only let the others look at it if I were around or if I told her it was ok. She said she wanted 'her nurse.'

As I unwrapped her leg I found hangers, I assumed for splinting. Strange herbal looking plants I assumed were for padding, maybe pain or inflammation? ..... and Money. Immediately I knew where they had been before coming to our clinic. It wasn't a regular doctor.
I called the other nurses to come look at it and they confirmed.

We got Cynthia re-wrapped and splinted straight. She told me the most pain was not in her leg, but in her abdominal area. My heart sank. I had to look away from her eyes. Internal injuries. Less than 24 hours before I had held a woman as she died because we could not help her recover from her internal injuries. I wanted to sit and weep for my new friend Cynthia.

Later she had to leave.


I wish I could know what happened to her. I want to love children like her. We had a connection without real communication.

Why is that in my heart? Is it so that others may know and pray for Haiti? Am I a single girl now so I can pursue loving children in Haiti at this stage in my life?

Am I forcing this? Should I wait to be the EXACT person they are looking for? Or should I GO, and then love and show love for whomever I'm with?

I think all these thoughts are so difficult because I know its going to be heartbreaking. Its going to be one of the hardest things I've done in my life up to this point.

And I'm going to be alone.
But God will be with me.
I want it to work out.
I want it to be great.
I want to love children.

I want to love Christ.

Peacefully I know it will work out. I just wish I knew. But God's plans are better than my own.

I loved Haiti before. So did God.
This didn't catch him by surprise. Before the beginning of the world He knew the names of all those who died. He knew that it would happen at exactly 4:53pm on January 12th, 2010.
He knew the number of hairs on the heads of the survivors that would turn gray.
(So far my "new grays since January" count is up to 6.)
He knew every tear that would be cried. Not just by me, but by the millions of people who would cry for Haiti.

He loved them first. It was in His plan. Maybe to turn that nation that forsook him to trust in Him. His love is extravagant!

How Foolish I Feel

This post is going to be hard for me to write. Some of it is graphic. I want to effectively communicate what I saw, so I don't think I can leave out certain details. However, these things were very hard for me to see and harder for me to write.

Gersan had done His best to warn, and prepare us for what we would see at the General Hospital today. I was prepared mentally, but not emotionally. I still thought God had brought me to Haiti to help people. But Gersan had been right. God didn't need me for his plans, He wanted to change my heart!

Doctor Rachel Coq came to pick us up early in the morning. We got to talk a lot about healthcare in Haiti and some of the issues that they face. We found out that she is a big deal, not only in Haiti, but worldwide. She was preparing to go to a conference in South Africa and she had been many other places for work. She worked with AIDS patients, "SIDA" in Kreyol, and we spent the car ride to the Hospital talking about that. I really enjoyed spending time with her. She is one of those rare beautiful people that everything she does seems beautiful and elegant. I loved listening to her accent and the way she talked about her people. I could tell she loved her work and the ones she worked with.

We arrived at the hospital and she walked us in the door, spoke briefly with someone then said, "Orevwa!"

"OREVWA??!?!" – "YOU'RE LEAVING!???"

Yes, she was leaving. She had other things to do that day, so she was going to leave us with a lady in the administration office. In Haiti, It's hard to tell who is friends with whom, because they are all so friendly, so I don't know if Rachel knew the lady we got left with, or if she was a stranger. Either way we got left in the administration office.

"ok. We can handle this." We tell our selves. "This is Haiti" quickly became our motto for anything that went different than we planned.

After waiting over an hour in the office watching people come and go, and no one acknowledging our existence, we decided they had totally forgotten about us. The walls were white, and so were we, maybe we blended in? Then the head charge nurse said, "Follow me." So we did, she took us to another nurse, who walked us to the pediatric building. She explained that she was a maternity nurse and wanted to leave us with someone in that department, so she introduced us to Naomi, a pediatric nurse. Did I mention that every person down the line spoke less and less English? They asked who is staying and who wants to go to the surgery building? .... Wow. That sounds exciting, but I think we'll stick together. (We thought our mothers would appreciate that.)

And so our hospital tour began. I know we were both humbled by the next few hours. We thought we were going to come in and change the world, but God needed to break our hearts and humble us first… He did.

I don't think I was prepared for what I saw after that. In a sense I was, because they had prepared me for the worst. I'm not really surprised by anything I see in Haiti anymore, but sometimes its still hard to take in.

There were 3 rooms in the "main" part of the pedi ward. Naomi showed us around and stopped by almost every bed explaining what was wrong with each child. She spoke French with an attempt at an American accent and we tried to add a French accent to our English. Communication was a battle for sure! Every child was febrile, anemic, malnourished, and had edema. Some had infections, but I got the idea that the malnourishment caused all the problems. After telling us what each child had, she would look at us with a look that said, "Can you help?"

Heartbreaking.

There was room upon room of children, younger, older, babies, infants, teens… all malnourished and uncared for. I could tell which children had families and money by how well they were cared for. Some were just laying there with no IV, no medicine, nothing. Just waiting to die. There was one baby that the nurse wanted to show us. She had no IV, no medication, and no care. She was hydrocephalic; a condition where there is a buildup of fluid inside the skull and severe brain swelling occurs causing deformation. This sweet baby had not been fed or cared for, she was tinier than tiny. Her arms and legs were no bigger than one of my little fingers. Both eyes were severely infected; I wouldn't doubt that she had become blind from the infection. Nothing was being done. The nurses were all sure to show her to Erin and I multiple times, like an animal at the zoo, but not a sweet baby girl that God loves dearly.

We were then led down a hallway. I new smell hit me square in the face. Rancid. I thought, "Where are we going?" I honestly thought we were leaving through the back abandoned hallway door or something, but no, we walked into another room. There were 3-5 children per bed. Most had dried food or vomit on them; some were lying in beds with sheets that looked as if they had been soiled over and over without being changed. They seemed to all have mental problems. They reached out us like beggars in jail through the bars of their cribs. They weren't begging for money, but for someone to love them. The nurses would slap their hands and scold as they reached out to us. Some looked as old as 12, but didn't have speech or controlled movements, almost as if they had never been held or stimulated so they never developed right.

These were the children with no mothers or fathers: Orphans. I felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach. These were God's children, the apple of His eye. To be totally honest with you, my first reaction upon walking into that room was to recoil, and shy away when they reached out. Those kids were dirty and smelled bad. I needed purell, gloves, and a facemask before I got close to them. Then a split second later I wanted to sit on the floor and cry. Then I wanted to pick them all up, bathe them and hold them. Oh! How Jesus would have loved them! Oh, how He DOES love them!

The nurse hurried us off to another room. There was a man there who spoke decent English and showed us around his room explaining what the children had there. Most were teens with heart problems like arrhythmias, or other problems like Tuberculosis and meningitis.

From there we were taken to the Neonatal ICU where a doctor that spoke French and Creole, but not a word of English was working. Basically we stood and looked at the babies for the next few hours. There was nothing for us to do in the hospital, which is why we kept getting passed around to the next person, and on down the line. We spent the rest of the afternoon in the NICU. All the babies in there were premature and had mothers that were HIV/AIDS. I can't even begin to tell you how tiny these babies were. I bottle fed a few and thought they would be too little to suck, but somehow they did. Those babies were fighters, fighting for their lives. What a hard life they had ahead of them. Haiti is so hot of a place that you wouldn't think they would need incubators, but those babies were so little and cold. Some were wrapped in plastic baggies wrapped so tight, so the heat wouldn't escape.

We stayed there, feeling very useless and in the way, but enjoying holding the babies and loving them whether we were in the way or not.

I think both me and Erin felt a little guilty for not working a longer day…. And not really doing anything other than be "on tour" in the hospital. God still had humbling to do. We both went home feeling very foolish and frustrated and helpless…and heartbroken.

Here is something from my prayer journal that night: "How silly of me to think I could come here and do something for you, God… I feel so foolish and arrogant that I assumed we could actually be of some help to these people. I don't even speak the language or know anything about medicine. I pray that you will give me a humble heart to see and know you. I pray that I won't become discouraged about how little I can help, but become motivated to learn and apply myself more."

It was a hard day to say the least. I hope I adequately described the tragedy and pain I saw that day. God loves those children, He has not forgotten them, although it seems like everyone else had. I had to keep telling myself over and over, God loves and knows those babies!