Coming Home

This post was written on Tuesday, Sept 13, but I didn't have internet until now: 

What a sweet feeling it is to come home. You know the feeling. You walk into your house and its welcoming, normal, comfortable. You have that "ahhhh, finally home" moment. After being off on vacation for 3 months, I'm back home in Ti Guinea. I love traveling in Haiti because I feel like I see so much more diversity of the culture, but I think subconsciously it stresses me out. I don't feel like my kreyol is nearly as good in Port Au Prince or Cap Haitian as it is here in Ti Guinea. I learned it here with these people, so I feel the most comfortable speaking it here with these people. Today as we drove in to the village on the road I saw many familiar faces. They would wave cordially at the truck with the 3 blancs in the back, but then I would wave or say hello and they would shout, "MEN NORELLE, MEN NORELLE!!" ("Here's Noelle, here's Noelle!") I had told a few people that I was coming, but apparently the word did not get around. I am just as excited to see each of them as they are to see me. I didn't get a chance to see many people tonight, but I will be going out tomorrow to visit with all my friends. Praise God for His goodness. That He saw fit to give me such sweet friends from such a different background. Within five minutes of my arrival the skies opened up and poured rain, and Tchaly said, "Bondye kontan ou la. Li beni nou ak lapli paske ou vin we nou!"("God is happy you are here. He blessed us with the rain because you came to see us!")

Tonight I'm laying in bed...just thinking... I came to lay down early for two reasons. 1. Its dark and I have no internet, so what else am I going to do? and 2. I have the traditional "Welcome back to Haiti" stomach ache. So I'm laying here, and just thinking about how things were... How things have been for the majority of this year so far! I've spent more time in Haiti in 2011 than I have in the United States! That just struck me. For now, this really is my home. As I lay here tonight memories keep flooding my mind.

It smells like rain. It reminds me of when it rained for the entire time that my dad and Gracie came to visit in February.

 My room is dark, except for the light from my computer screen. Which reminds me of all the nights I spent up insanely late talking to Daniel on skype.

Even just sitting on the counter in the kitchen reminds me of how I used to sit there and write my 10 on Tuesdays while dinner would be cooking. Or how many, many conversations and hours I spent just sitting there and talking with Boss Varis, Guerline, Tchaly, and Tala. It has been so wonderful to be home. I'm so enjoying seeing all my friends!

My room is missing a lot of the color that it had when I was here, which is making me remember how cute it was decorated and how at-home I was here. I was talking with Theresa, a lady from Foundry United Methodist church who came on a scouting team with us, and I was apolgizing for not being a good guide. And she just said, "Its ok. This is just normal and home for you. I can tell you are comfortable here."
That is a dually true and untrue statement. I am comfortable here. This is my home. This is my heart. These are my people. I can only wait in anticipation the day that I move here permanently. But that statement is also false. There are so many things that make me uncomfortable about being here. The need, the fear, the bondage to Satan, etc. All these things make me very uncomfortable... But they are the reason that I am here. They are the reason that I am motivated to come and make this my real home.

So thanks for welcoming me back, Ti Guinea. I've missed you so much!!

Today I'm thankful for

There is always that moment when you sit down to write something and you stare at the page for 20 minutes before realizing that you've not only just wasted 20 minutes of your life, but have made no progress on the task at hand.
I've been in that situation so many, many times in the last few months. Today it would have happened, but I decided that instead of wasting time writing a personal statement I would write it in the blog. There was a time where I could sit down and write the fool out of this blog. I had thoughts. They were collected. They felt less like crazy and more like normal. I used to write blogs in my head, even the funny parts, which would make me laugh to myself at my own silly humor. And then I would sit and write them out for real.

I still write blogs in my head. I still make myself laugh for no reason. But I haven't written them out for real. I've currently got about 4 drafts of different blogs that haven't made the cut to get published. Writing helps me process, but hitting that "publish" button gives me closure. My heart rate races a little before pushing that little orange button, then I have about 2 seconds of "OH NO!! Did I just do that? Then I realize its done, its out there, and I can relax." So today. I'm going to publish. I may not even proofread because when I do I take out things, or get too chicken to publish. So here's to publishing... (I wish I actually had a glass of wine to toast with... that helps with the pre-publishing jitters.)


Life recently has been interesting. Life recently has been fast paced. Life recently has been wonderful. I've been dying to write about life recently, but I always chicken out. I feel like I owe it to my readers, if I still have any, to play catch up, but I'm not really going to. I think that's why I haven't written.

Life recently has taught me so much. About life, love, friendship, blessings, joys, hope, and trust.

I've been striving to live today. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, not next year, but today. Focus on today, enjoy today! Its too overwhelming to focus on tomorrow, I have no idea what I'm going to be doing... hopefully attacking the mountain of laundry threatening to take over my bedroom. Its too emotional to think about next week, and how next week I'll be back in Haiti. I'm so happy, I miss them so much. Emotional, good emotional, but still emotional. Its too overwhelming to think about next month, and how I still won't have heard back from nursing schools. But maybe by then I'll have gotten a job!? Its too far away to think about next year and how I have no clue what life will be like, but I do know this.... Today is here.

Today, my parents have packed up the important worldly possessions that we have. They are waiting on pins and needles, watching the smoke from the Magnolia wildfire rise, watching the ash fall, and waiting for a phone call telling them to evacuate.

Today, I'm thankful for my the friends that God has put in my life. How blessed I've been the last 2 weeks by the people who care about me and love me.

Today, I'm thankful for this past month. I know that doesn't fall into the category of "today", but still. I'm the boss of this blog, so I can write what I want! I've had a wonderful month. I've laughed so much. Laughter is so healthy! I'm thankful for the time that I have had with my boyfriend, Daniel. We started dating when I was in Haiti and our communication abilities were very limited. Then when I got home we were at camp, he was the program director and I was there working as well. At camp we had to put our relationship on hold and essentially pretend that we weren't dating. This is hard to explain to those outside the camp world, but camp is about the campers and if our focus is on another individual then we've failed at serving them effectively. So I only really got to spend time with Daniel on the weekends, and we were both so tired and the weekends were so short that it was never enough. August has been my favorite month so far. We've gotten to talk, actually be together, and not pretend we don't know each other, we've laughed, road tripped between Tomball and Dallas, and even, at times reverted back to skyping. However, skyping when I'm in America is different than when I was in Haiti. Here it works like normal. In Haiti it worked like a bad version of AOL instant messenger. I am fully convinced that a little man had to swim my typed messages from the coast of Haiti to the Gulf of Mexico and then run to Dallas and deliver it to Dan. Anyway, bottom line, I'm thankful for Daniel today, and thankful for all the times that Daniel has made me laugh till I cried this month. What a blessing!

Today, I'm also thankful that I'm blogging. I love writing. Its like running. (I don't love running, don't get me wrong... that's not what I mean.) Its like running in that I love it when I'm doing it. I've only loved running once in my life. I was on a running kick. It was a love hate relationship. I hated it while I was doing it, but then felt good about myself afterwards, then I had an accident involving a wet curb, and my knee. And I quit running after that. Point being, blogging is like running in that when you are in the practice of it its so good, you get the endorphin high, its not hard to do, but when you fall and quit running, or just quit blogging its hard to get back into it. I sit and stare at the computer until I give up and browse pinterest, just like I put on my running shoes, and then make excuses to not go running. So today, I'm thankful for blogging. Hopefully I'll get back into it. Hopefully I can give my blog a facelift. Hopefully... we'll see... I'll take it one day at a time.

Today, I'm thankful for the "publish'  button and how I can push it without proofreading, because I know if I proofread, I'll chicken out and not post this....

so here goes.... (still wish I had that glass of wine.)

10 on Tuesday...

Well, it has been a long time since I have blogged with any regularity. I have been all over the place, both emotionally and geographically these past few months, and so I have decided to bring back the 10 on Tuesday, and hopefully get some catch up done.

So here is what has been going on in my life over the past 3 months...

1.  I got home from Haiti on May 23rd, spent one week with my family, and then went straight to work at Frontier Camp. I spent June working at camp as the Healthcare assistant. I've spent the last 13 summers there, so that was a little slice of normal. Camp was so fun. There were wonderful memories and beautiful friendships that were strengthened this summer.

2. Towards the end of camp and for the first 3ish weeks of summer school, I was a total emotional train wreck. I had not processed Haiti. Its always an adjustment to come back home, but this time was different. I didn't have time to think about anything. I wasn't able to think or blog when I was at camp. When I don't blog or write out thoughts I feel like a crazy person. I'm talking, 'admit me to the insane asylum' crazy. I cried and cried. Like every day. I don't know why. I don't really know what about. I just cried. I missed Haiti. I was having a complete life crisis. Was nursing what I want to do? Is nursing what I'm supposed to do? Should I really be in summer school? Should I be back in Haiti? Should I be in a mental institution? It was awful. I was not trusting the Lord. I was leaning on my own strength and wisdom.... which always leads me to a mess of tears and failure.

3. God is gracious. He still loves me even though I'm sometimes a crazy person. He still blesses me daily. Provides friends, and family, and even strangers to encourage me. He is so good to me!

4. I am currently back in College Station. I live here. That is a loose term. What I mean by that is that I have a pile of vera bradley bags stuffed with various belongings piled in the middle of my room waiting to be unpacked. I'm not in school this semester. I'm praying for a job. I have a potential job, but have not heard back yet.

5. I'm waiting to hear back from nursing school. I'm praying that I'll get accepted to start in January. I have a few applications out and should hear back relatively soon. I'm praying that I get in if that's where God wants me.

6. I'm going back to Haiti in 13 days!!!!! Woah. I hadn't realized it was that soon. I'll be returning to my village in Ti Guinea for one week to translate for an American medical team. Its crazy to me that I speak enough kreyol now that I can actually translate for people. Please be praying for that trip. And for my Kreyol, that I will be able to translate clearly. The dates on that are Sept 12-Sept 22. I'm so excited to go back and see my village. I decided to stay a few extra days when I'm there to visit with all my friends. I'm positive that I will not have as much time there as I would like, but I am excited to see who I can see and get lots of hugs!

7. This has been a wonderful summer. Its been full of ups and downs, and totally crazy, but overall definitely a good summer. I've gotten to spend wonderful time with my roommates and dear friends at camp. I've gotten to spend some much needed family time.

...Well, I'm out of things to say, so I'll just post random pictures from the last three months, so you have an idea of what shenanigans have gone down...

8. June- Frontier Camp-

At camp it is essential to wear a head-cam everywhere! (ok, maybe I only wore it once. My footage was boring, so I got booted.)

Frontier Camp rodeo- Dirty south night. What you can't see is the MASSIVE denim bow in my hair. It was awesome. I love it. I'm currently looking for excuses to wear it in the real world! Ideas?

Frontier Camp- 80's night. I was Gene Simmons from Kiss (we had the whole band there, don't worry.) Daniel was Richard Simmons. He was slightly less excited about his outfit, but he sported the leggings well.

9. July- I was in College Station re-taking an anatomy class at Blinn, so I don't have many pictures...

 

Anatomy lab cats... yuck... told you that you don't want to see pictures from July... Please don't worry. I only took these pictures as a study guide... and are now using them as a blog illustration. I do not decorate my room with these photos. 

The first of many weddings... Enjoying time with friends from camp, celebrating!

10. August-

Kylie's Birthday dinner! Love my roomie! I'm so glad to get to spend time with her again, now that we are in the same country!!

 Craft time! I made a beach tote in preparation for family vacation to Charleston, South Carolina, to visit my brother! First successful craft in a while!

This is how I enjoy the beach. Out of the water. A safe distance from the sharks, and reading a good book!

And this is how Coleman enjoys the beach. Notice the stellar 'stache, sweet shades, slightly slouchy socks, and super stetson. Ladies, he's single and stellar... just sayin' :)

I got to meet a manatee!!! No, this is not at the beach. While that may seem confusing that I was just at the beach in the previous picture. This was taken at the Dallas World Aquarium. SO COOL. I love aquariums, and have been to many, but this one was by far the coolest. I've never seen a manatee in real life, and I think they are so cool, as is evidenced by this photo!

This leopard was at the aquarium too... See, I told you it was the coolest aquarium ever. Fish and animals! It was like an Aquarium/Zoo, but only the cool animals from both. The only thing missing was the elephants, giraffes and platypuses (platypi?), and it would be the happiest place on earth... I don't care what they say about Disney World.

Betty and Gersan came to Tomball and spent a few days with my family. Conducted a few ministry meetings, and enjoyed their time here! Gersan has always wanted to be a cowboy. He can quote almost any John Wayne movie, and looked totally cool on the horse! Can't wait till we get horses for camp in Haiti!?

 

 This past weekend I went up to San Antonio for my dear friend, Stephanie's Bachelorette party. I met Steph the summer of 06 at Frontier Camp, and we both ended up going to A&M and becoming great friends. I'm so excited for her and Mr. Preston Hill as they prepare to begin their life together!

So that's a little of what's going on with me. Thanks for reading. I'm going to try to stay up to date and not have do do 3 month updates anymore!

Announcement! Valcin Meet & Greet

Well, I know I've been somewhat absent in the blog world, despite my efforts and promises to get back into it. I do have some reasons, I have been writing blogs in my head. I've been thinking and talking a lot and I am almost ready to come back to the blogging world. But today is not about me. 

Today is about Betty and Gersan Valcin. They are the missionaries that I have spent so much of my time with in Haiti. They are my Haitian parents. They are a huge blessing in my life. God has blessed their ministry and given them a heart for the lost souls in Haiti. A heart to evangelize the lost. Train and establish pastors who will speak the truth and use biblical teaching. Help those in poverty, by providing jobs, building houses, etc. 

Betty and Gersan are in TEXAS!!!! They will be staying at my house in Tomball August 20-24. I want you to meet them!!

Monday August 22 & Tuesday August 23 they will be sharing what God is doing through them in the country of Haiti. Together, we will share with you some of our hopes and dreams for the country of Haiti, for the people of Haiti, and for Jacob's Well. We will be answering questions, and sharing with you opportunities to be involved through prayer, giving, or going on a short term trip. 

Please come meet them. I guarantee it will not be a waste of your time! Come at 7pm on Monday, Aug 22 or Tuesday, Aug 23 for coffee, dessert, and talk of Haiti! 

So to recap:

Who: The Valcins

What: Sharing about what God is doing in Haiti with coffee and dessert.

When: Monday, Aug 22 & Tuesday, Aug 23. 7pm

Where: My house (Call or email for directions)

Why: So you can be active in Prayer, Giving, or Going!

How: Please RSVP by leaving a comment with your name (and what day you plan on attending), or call Me (Noelle) or my mom (Marie). Or send me an email at: noelle.gonzalez11@gmail.com

Please invite whomever you may think would be interested as well. We want to get the word out about this, and I would love for all of you in the Tomball/Houston area, to be involved! 

Quieter Times

{This was written about a month ago, but not posted... oops! I've gone back and done some editing/changing. but most of this is still where I am today}

I don't know if you've noticed, but I tend to blog more when I'm in Haiti. I don't know if its because I think more there, or because I have no one I can pour out my heart and thoughts to (so I just do it online for the whole world to see.) I'm not sure why, but it seems like every time I come home it gets more difficult for me to keep up the blog properly. Not just online, but in my head too. Since I've started writing its really helped me process through stuff, no matter what the situation, once I write about it I feel like its more of a processed, learned lesson than just raw thoughts and emotions. Bottom line, when I don't blog I sometimes (ok, most of the time) feel like a crazy person.

Since I've been home, honestly, even since I came home in April for those three weeks, I feel like life is moving fast and not giving me a whole lot of opportunity to think or catch up about things. I haven't been emotional at all about leaving Haiti, and I'm not really sure how to feel about it. Yesterday was the first day I really even gave it any thought, and when I did the tears came... I'm honestly not sure where the tears came from or why, but they did.

I'm now at Frontier Camp working as the "camp nurse" of sorts. (not there anymore, now I'm in College Station again.) yesterday was hard. I had time to think for the first time in a while. I talk often of how living in two places can tear at your heart. It does. I miss them. There are actually quite a few people here at camp that have been to Haiti and can understand how I'm feeling to some extent, but due to the busy nature of their jobs it is virtually impossible to have anything longer than a 2 minute conversation. So I've been talking to Jesus. I guess all things considered He's the best one to talk to anyway, right?

Its so humbling to me when I realize that I sometimes treat talking to Jesus as a lesser blessing than others. I mean, He can't give me hugs, He can't look me in the eye and tell me that its going to be ok, but He is the best listener with the best advice.

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. My yoke is easy, my burden is light."
He will not give me anything that I can't handle in His strength. His strength is made perfect in my weakness, and I am so weak sometimes. I let circumstances steal my joy, I let my selfishness get in the way of encouragement and loving others, I let the hard parts of the day rule, and the victories take back seat. His strength is made perfect in that. He is the one that can give me joy reguardless of how selfish I am. He is the one that can make me not focus on my problems, but on loving and encouraging others. He is the one. The only one that matters.


***

Ok, so that was written about 2 months ago. Wow. I can't believe I've been home for that long! Its almost been 3 months! 3 months in Haiti felt like a lot longer than the last few months have felt here. Life here moves so fast. I'm not sure if I like it or not. I finished my 5 weeks at camp and I'm not in College Station re-taking Anatomy. Thankfully the class is going really well. It feels like its going at the speed of light. A 4 hour credit in 4 weeks. 4 hours of lecture a day, starting at 7:30 am. Its been tough, but definitely bearable. I'm still in the application process for nursing school. I'm reapplying for the program here at Texas A&M and for a program in Victoria, as well as a program in San Antonio. I'm hoping for College Station.... but really I'm hoping for anything... I'll keep you updated.

I promise I'm working on my blogging. I have diagnosed my blog-avoidance disorder, and I'm working at getting to the root of the issue. I think the best therapy is going to be blog therapy, so hopefully I'll be faithful in that. I don't make any promises. We'll see how it plays out.

Bye for now.

Still Alive

I've gotten a few comments, notes, emails from worried friends recently...
"Are you ok?" "Are you still alive?" "Why did you quit blogging when you came back from Haiti?" "Are you going to start blogging again?"

I think the answer to all of those questions is "YES!" I'm ok. I'm alive. I did stop, but I'm going to start again. Here goes...


Dear Blog,


I've missed you so much over the last month and a half. Its crazy how I didn't realize what a good thing I had till it was gone. I've missed you, you are such a good listener, you make me laugh, you make me cry. When I don't tell you what's going on in my life I feel totally crazy, like my thoughts are only a big jumble of random, but when I write them out, I can actually process what's happening.

Ok, so writing to the imaginary persona of my blog feels weird, so I'm just gonna write.... I'm out of practice, so bear with me. I'm sure the total-life word vomiting will come back like riding a bike. 

I'm back from Haiti, but I don't think my journey is over. I'm on so many journeys right now. Some are new and fresh and exciting and challenging. Others are frustrating, monotonous, and tearful, while still others are windy, unknown, and looming over my head with a sense of doom and sunshine all together. I'm glad that the blog is flexible. Its probably going to be changing gears. I doubt that I'll have crazy life stories happening every day, or language-barrier issues, or other things I experienced in Haiti, but life continues. And up to this point God's kept my life pretty exciting and unpredictable.

So... Where have I been? I've actually been pretty busy this last month and a half! I went back to work at Frontier Camp as the Health Care Assistant for the beginning of the summer. It was so fun. So great to see all of my close friends again. Camp has always been my second home of sorts, and I love being there. The only problem was that I didn't have internet access while I was there, so the blog (and sometimes my sanity) suffered.
I've been home from camp for about a week, but dove straight into a summer school class. In fact, last week I was driving back and forth to camp from my class. Totally exhausting, but definitely worth it. Last week I had the opportunity to speak to the kids at camp about my experiences in Haiti, some of what I had done there over the past 4 years, and what God has been, and continues to be doing in the hearts of the people of the country. It was so rewarding to get to talk to these kids and encourage them to have a missional heart and mindset. When I wasn't driving last week I was studying, but now, with my first test out of the way I know what to expect from the class and I'm ready to be back to blogging!

Now, with no more Haiti stories what am I going to be talking about? Well, I usually just word-vomit my life, so we'll see how that goes. I also have a million ideas of things to try this summer, crafts, recipes, hobbies... I'll probably bring back the 10 on Tuesday... we'll see what happens.

I feel weird writing this post, its like I've been "on break" from a good friend and have a whole lot of catching up to do... My writing is feeling rusty right now, so I may just leave some of the catching up for later. But stay tuned for pictures, stories, ideas, and whatever else may run through my head!

"N'ap tann ou"

My heart is light, but also heavy. God has blessed me so much. So many times this afternoon through tear-filled eyes I exclaimed, "Bondye te beni nou." God has blessed us.

We had our final day of day-camp today. We ended up only getting to have camp for two days instead of three due to Haitian holidays on Wednesday. Camp went wonderfully. The children had a blast as always! Fell in love with the Americans and played their little hearts out.

At the end I asked Peter Marc to give them a little thank you for coming and dissmissal. He said, "I think you can do it." So there I go, to the front of the church to give the dissmissal. I thanked them all for coming and told them that all the Americans were so happy they came to camp to learn about Jesus. I told them that the Americans loved them so much and were so glad to have met them. I then decided that this was probably a good time to announce formally that I was leaving Sunday since it was going to be the last time they were all gathered together with me.

I told them that I was leaving Sunday, to go back to school, so I could come back and live here always. I told them that I would keep them in my heart, but I will miss them so much when I was gone, and every day I'll be praying for them. I started getting a little choked up as I finished talking so I decided to cut it short. I asked the lady that was leading worship to sing "He Has Made Me Glad" because its one of the ones I know and love. As they began to sing, I couldn't help but choke back tears. I bit my lip hard, but the tears came anyway. I couldn't believe this was one of the last times I'll see them all in the near future. I will miss them all more than words can express. I remembered how good and gracious the Lord has been to give me this gift. The gift of knowing Him better, knowing and loving His people fiercely, praising Him for His blessings in two languages. He HAS made me glad!! As I looked through tear-filled eyes at all the faces that were staring at mine I couldn't believe this was actually happening. God has blessed me to give me deep relationships. We may not be able to communicate everything, but we can communicate a lot. I am not leaving strangers, I am leaving sisters and brothers. As the song closed, and Peter Marc prayed, I thanked God for my blessings.

Poupette and Shelove came to hug me and they told me they wanted to sing me a song. They got through the words "Orevwa, zanmi'm..." "Goodbye my friend" then they trailed off and buried their heads in my chest sobbing. I felt like my heart was getting ripped out. These girls love me, and I love them. We are friends, we are sisters. They are two of the girls I've known for the longest. I remember them both from my first trip here in 2007. I've seen them grow and mature even since I got here in January. We hugged and cried for almost a full minute, then they pulled away and tried to escape. I looked up and saw tears filling the eyes of face I saw, some already had spilled over and were streaming down the faces of both adults and children.

I couldn't believe they were crying. I knew I would cry, but I did not expect for them to cry. Until today I don't think I'd seen a Haitian cry; they are a tough people. Now I have seen tear stains on the faces of most of my friends here. Colas pulled me aside and comforted me, "We know you are coming back. N'ap Tann ou (we'll be waiting for you). You need to go now so you can go to school and come back to live here. We love you. We know you love us. N'ap Tann ou."  I looked at the faces of my friends. I kept saying over and over again, "Bondye te beni nou!" "God has blessed us!" I told them how blessed I was to know them and call them my friends. There were hugs all around and many tears. My heart loves these people more than I can even describe. Even as I type the words on the screen are starting to blur from tears forming. I can't imagine how much its going to hurt to leave them on Sunday. But God knows. He's preparing me. He's given me this blessing. He's put me in this place for this time. He'll give me what I need to make it. Its never easy to leave Haiti. But I've finished the task I was called to do. I need to go to school, and prepare for the next trip.

My goal for the entire time I lived here was to show love. That was always my motto and theme. I wanted the people I came in contact with to know that I love them always. Today I told a bunch of them, "You know I'll always love you!"  They all responded with a resounding, "oui!"  As I was leaving, a few of them started singing the song, "I have a friend who really loves me, who loves me, who loves me! I have a friend who really loves me, and Norell is her name."  Praise Christ. Praise the one who has poured His love into my heart and caused love to overflow. Praise the One who can free them from slavery to the enemy and give them freedom and eternal life in His Son! Praise the One who loves. Praise Him for His blessings. Praise Him for the blessing of friendship. Praise Him, for I know I will see many of these faces in Heaven, if not on earth!

I can't wait to see my friends and family back home and hug the ones I love, and I can't wait to come home to Haiti. I know they will be waiting!